Cultured Ramblings

You know, sometimes there are things that just plain bug you.

Here's one that really bugs me:


First off, I admit I'm not cultured.

cul·tured (kŭl'cherd)
adj.

(Educated, polished, and refined; cultivated)


Years ago, while dining with Vicki (the wife now, the date then) she asked if I wanted an appetizer before dinner.

Well, of course I said no because I didn't know what an appetizer was.

I felt embarrassed because Vicki was cultured and I was not, so I went home that night and opened a dictionary to find out what an appetizer was.


ap·pe·tiz·er (ăp'ĭ-tī'zer)
n.
(A food or drink served usually before a meal to stimulate the appetite.)


Wow, now I was armed and dangerous - I knew what an appetizer was!!

Once I learned that, for years I have ordered appetizers and have thoroughly enjoyed them prior to my meal arriving.

These days there seems to be a new trend developing in the restaurant business.

The last several times I have dined out, when ordering an appetizer and anticipating having that appetizer to stimulate my appetite prior to the meal, I have been disappointed.

Why? Well, I'll tell you. I don't even have the first bite of the appetizer and here they come with the meal.

Now I may not be cultured, but I know that is not how it is supposed to work.

It appears the restaurants have taken the approach of hit um up and move them out.

To me, I like to eat the beef not be treated like beef. I just want time to stimulate my appetite prior to my meal arriving!!

I ask you, is that too much to ask?

I have started having the same problem with having time for soup or salad prior to the meal!!



Speaking of not being cultured and eating, I remember another time Vicki and I were dating, and wanting to impress her, we dined at an upscale restaurant.

We were greeted and seated at a table, and I looked down at the table setting and saw I had three forks on the left, a small one, then a large one, then a small one. In the center it had a plate with a bowl on top, then moving to the right of that there was a dull knife I knew would not cut a steak, a small spoon and then a larger spoon.

Then, in addition to all that crowding the table, above the forks was a small round dish with a funny looking tiny knife with no blade so cutting anything would be impossible. Then above the dull knife and two spoons there were three goblet looking glasses.

I immediately started apologizing to Vicki for taking her to a place that obviously couldn't be that good.

'Why?' she asked.

Well, first the service will be bad because they have three glasses for water so they won't check back; second they have a dull knife and I am ordering beef; and third they have one big fork which is OK but those little ones for backup are too small, not to mention that little spoon is awful short for an ice tea glass so they must use short glasses for the ice tea!

When Vicki stopped laughing and because she didn't want me to think she would not like the restaurant, she gave me this explanation.

"I'll bet the small fork on the left is for salad, the large one in the middle is for the main course, and the next small fork is for dessert, and I would assume the small plate and small knife are for bread and butter."

She continued, "The dull knife must mean the meat here is tender, the small spoon is for hot tea and the big spoon is for soup, the larger goblet is for water, the next smaller for red wine and the smallest for white wine."

Since we were on a date I didn't want to burst her bubble by explaining most people take the same size bites when eating a salad or a steak so there was no need for the first small fork, that the same big one would do.

I like ice cream for dessert and it would look silly eating ice cream with the other small fork so no need for it, leaving one big fork to eat with.

As for the small knife with the butter I could just use the big dull knife for my butter as there is no way they would have a steak that would cut.

The bread plate could go too as everyone knows you put the bread on your plate so it sops up the juices from the steak.

The small spoon could also go because if the tea isn't over ice it isn't any good. It was 110 degrees outside and soup is out of the question so get rid of that spoon.

As for the three glasses, unless you are bringing a decent sized glass with my ice tea just fill them all with ice tea.

Once past all that they brought out a big thick juicy steak that looked just delicious.

The waiter asked us if we needed anything else. Vicki said no and I asked if they had a bottle of catsup.

That waiter was so rude. First he gave me a blank stare like he couldn't hear, so I raised my voice and again asked for a bottle of catsup. Then, in a snit, he spun around on his heels and left in a rush.

The next thing I knew this guy wearing an apron and a funny looking white hat approached the table demanding to know who wanted catsup.

After I told him I did, he proceed to tell me he was such a good cook no one dared to even think about putting catsup on one of his steaks and they didn't have any in the restaurant.

I suggested he run to the grocery store and stock up and told him not to expect a tip and then he stormed off.

I figured since I mentioned the tip we would never get anything else we asked for so when I couldn't cut the steak with the dull knife, I picked it up with my hands and ate it which was OK because it made it easier to chew the bone.

Vicki must not have liked that place either because from then on whenever I ask her where she would like to go for dinner she either picked Wendy's or Burger King which was OK by me because they had catsup!


Oh I got a little off track, I have been rambling again.

Anyway does that appetizer thing ever happen to you?

Come back tomorrow for something that I'm sure will be here!!!!